Cracking the Code: The 3 Secret Pillars That Reveal Relationship Destiny

When you’re trying to figure out if a relationship has long-term potential, there’s more to consider than just chemistry and common interests. To get the full picture, you’ve got to evaluate compatibility across three key pillars. Join me as we break down the top three holistic factors that determine whether a partnership can go the distance.

Assessing Relationship Potential: Three Holistic Pillars for Long-term Success

It is so important to begin assessing relationship potential when entering a new romantic relationship. It’s easy to get caught up in the excitement and overlook signs that you may not be compatible long-term. However, taking a step back to assess a potential partner thoroughly yet compassionately can help mitigate future heartbreak. 

Three Holistic Pillars to Assessing Relationship Potential

Instead of just trusting surface impressions, examine compatibility more completely. There are Three Holistic Pillars you should look at.

• Past Patterns – Reflect on previous relationships. Being aware of these tendencies helps to avoid repeating mistakes.
• Present Signs – Watch for any early red flags suggesting instability, negativity, or poor match. Look for positive green flags around shared values, communication, and respect.
• Future Plans – Discuss expectations around life priorities that often cause conflict – finances, family goals, work balance, religion, etc. Getting on the same page sets up success.

Three Holistic Pillars Lead to Happiness

Carefully vetting romantic prospects across these three holistic pillars helps create lasting happiness while avoiding bad fits that lead to unnecessary heartbreak. 

“A healthy relationship keeps the child in you alive. It makes you guileless, honest, and transparent. It makes you question things, revisit long forgotten experiences, places and wishlists. It gives you a chance to rewind the tape of life and narrate new scenarios.”~ Kamand Kojouri

By learning from your past relationships, spotting red and green flags early on, and initiating open conversations around priorities and boundaries, you set yourself up for deeper connection.

 

Learn from Your Past

What Worked 

Before evaluating a new partner, reflect on previous relationships first:

Make a list of these bright spots to reference later.

•  What qualities did you appreciate most in partners that brought out your best? 
• Sense of humor? 
• A shared adventurous spirit? 
• Support in pursuing your passions? 
• What worked well? 

What Didn’t

Make a list of these bright spots to reference later. Likewise, note any traits or behaviors consistently leading to friction, arguments, or emotional pain. 

• What repeatedly led to pain? 
• Too controlling? 
• Differing spiritual beliefs? 
• Clashing communication styles? 

Documenting these lessons learned creates clarity around what you’re seeking vs. being unable to tolerate in a mate. Additionally, pay attention to any repetitive patterns across relationships, especially around stages when things get serious.

What Patterns Do You Follow

• Who do you pick—the kind of person we get into relationships with?
  • Do you look for long-distance relationships because you fear commitment?
  • A keep-at-a-distance friend?
  • Someone you can take care of?
• How we interact with them—the behaviors we use with them during the relationship.
  • Do you lose interest when intimacy deepens? 
  • Feel the urge to sabotage right when true vulnerability emerges? 
  • Do you become sexually intimate too soon because you want to hold on to them?
• How we let them treat us—what we allow them to say and do with us while in the relationship.

Uncovering these tendencies helps you take responsibility for ways you may unconsciously push partners away once securing commitment.

Present Signs: Spot Red and Green Flags Early

Armed with deeper insight into your own dating habits and needs, objectively assess a new partner’s words and actions early on. Don’t ignore, justify, or downplay concerning signs or fundamental areas of misalignment, no matter the physical chemistry. 

Red Flags

Here are some common early red flags to look out for in a new romantic relationship:

• Extreme Jealousy – Getting overly upset about you talking to or looking at others, interrogating you about past partners, accusing you of cheating without basis
• Controlling or Manipulative Behavior – Trying to control aspects of your life, guilt tripping you, threatening break-ups to get their way
• Anger Issues – Quick temper, raging out of proportion to situations, breaking things, or physical intimidation
• Dishonesty – Lying about past, job, finances, or other things for no reason, secretive behaviors
• Disrespect – Demeaning comments, cruelty toward waitstaff or strangers, ignoring your needs/boundaries
• Lack of Reliability – Chronically broken promises, habitual lateness, saying one thing but doing another
• Addiction Issues – Patterns of excessive drinking/drug use, denial about the problem
• Very Different Values – Big discrepancies in worldviews around politics, religion, ethics, and other fundamental beliefs

The key is paying attention early on to behaviors that signal someone may be manipulative, unreliable, dishonest, or quick to anger. Addressing red flags head-on or exiting relationships where severe signs persist protects against escalating abuse. Trust your gut instincts if someone seems toxic or makes you feel bad without remorse. You deserve to feel safe, respected, and cared for in healthy relationships.

The initial honeymoon period offers a brief window into someone’s true character because, initially, people put their best foot forward. Tune into positive indicators around shared values, empathy, and emotional availability. Notice if they demonstrate genuine care and consideration and make you feel respected, understood, and comfortable being your authentic self. 

Green Flags

These are questions to ask about how this relationship makes you feel.

• Are your spirits lifted after spending time together? 
• Do conversations flow smoothly even when disagreeing? 
• Does their lifestyle, family goals, and ethical principles largely align with yours?

Positive “green flags” to look for in a healthy, promising new relationship:

• Emotional Availability: Are genuinely open to talking about feelings, thoughts, hopes, and fears without avoidance or dismissal.
• Accountability: Take ownership if mistakes happen, apologize, and work to improve behavior
• Responsiveness: Follow through consistently on big and small commitments they make to you
• Shared Values: Have compatible beliefs, integrity, and ethics around important life priorities
• Stability: Demonstrate self-control, maturity, and temperament across various situations
• Supportiveness: Celebrate your goals and triumphs, lend a listening ear during struggles
• Comfort with Vulnerability: Don’t feel threatened being authentic and intimate with you
• Growth Mindset: Seek personal development, can discuss areas needing improvement without defensiveness
• Healthy Communication: Express needs calmly, don’t insult/blame even when upset or challenged
• Respect: Treat you kindly in private and public, care about your happiness, needs, and wellbeing

Positive qualities like these suggest someone will cherish you through life’s ups and downs while having the potential for a deeply caring partnership built on trust. Spotting these green flags builds confidence you’ve met someone special.

Initiate Open Dialogue Around Expectations

Before getting in too deep, have frank conversations about topics that repeatedly caused issues in past relationships. Avoid accusations or criticisms focused on your new partner specifically. 

• Instead, use reflective statements about your own needs and boundaries. “In the past, I’ve struggled when…” or “It’s really important for my well-being to be with someone who…”.
• Red Flags should appear if significant discrepancies emerge around finances, career priorities, wanting kids, or religious beliefs; don’t ignore them. 
• Continue an open and caring dialogue to understand where your partner is coming from while standing firm regarding what you require to be satisfied long-term.

Lead With Your Head

Of course, no one is perfect. We all carry emotional baggage and flaws. Yet, through mindfulness, self-work, and honest communication with a partner willing to do the same, you can build a healthy, lasting romantic connection. Getting on the same page early regarding expectations and boundaries prevents pain for both parties down the road. By leading with your head and following with an open heart, you set the stage for a fulfilling relationship journey moving forward.

Evaluating relationships thoroughly yet compassionately protects against getting stuck with an incompatible partner. While getting carried away in early excitement is easy, taking time to assess potential across the past, present, and future offers wisdom. 

If They Are Not The Right Person For You, Get Them Out Of Your Life Quickly

Learn from previous patterns around your needs and growth areas. Notice early red flags and positive signs of shared values and communication compatibility. I always asked God if this wasn’t the right person to please get them out of my life quickly.

Discuss major lifestyle priorities that often become points of conflict so you understand if visions align, from finances to family goals.

Assessing Your Relationships With Top Three Pillars Yield Positive Results

Holistically approaching new relationships sets you up for the best chance at long-term success. This holistic approach also prevents future heartbreak.  Remember that everyone carries flaws, baggage, and areas for growth. Yet seeking self-awareness around relationship tendencies, keeping an eye out for warning signs, and having open conversations about expectations help mitigate heartbreak while nurturing bonds with those worth growing alongside.

My Wish For You

I hope that you will follow the three Holistic Pillars for all current and future relationships.  It not only keeps you focused on new relationships but keeps existing relationships strong.

Are You Ready to Assess Your Relationships?